Jim from IT
by ChickenSoupForDinner
Summary: A bunch of one shots I wrote after I decided that Jim from IT worked at Reynholm Industries. Jim and his adventures as he tries to be a normal.
1. Jail

This is what my mind comes up with. This story is going to be a bunch of one shots about Jim's life in the IT department.

They have been sitting on my computer for a while and are not in any particular order. Enjoy.

Jen walked into the room with an unusual spring in her step. "Hello, boys," she said cheerily as she strode to her office.

Jim waved and Roy merely grunted. Neither of them looked up from their computer screens.

"Damn it," Jen yelled before walking back in. "We have to make department presentation. I forgot. We have to be upstairs at one to convince Douglas not to get rid of out department as part of his plan to make the company "fight like a fighter". So, Moss, come up with something to show Douglas."

There was no answer. "Moss?" Jen looked around. "Where's Moss, it almost ten and he is never late."

Jim and Roy shrugged.

"Jim, did you and Moss go to that museum last night?" Jen asked.

"Yes," replied Jim putting down his computer and picking up a copy of heat. "It was interesting."

Roy and Jen looked more closely at Jim. "And what did you and Moss do after the museum?" asked Jen.

"We went to an electronics store to do some shopping," Jim replied flipping a page.

"Excuse me are you reading Heat?" Jen asked distracted for a moment.

"What happened to Moss?" Roy demanded.

Jim looked up with insolence etched in his features. He could never manage innocence. "What makes you think I know what happened to Moss? After shopping I went over to spend the night with my girlfriend."

"I think you're lying and you do know what happened to Moss!" Roy shouted.

"You are just jealous since you have such abysmal luck with women!" Jim yelled back.

"Wait, what, girlfriend?" asked Jen in confusion. "You're reading Heat."

"So?" Jim threw the magazine back on the table. "What does it have to do with anything?"

"Jen had a boyfriend who read heat. I ended up on a bus with gay paraplegics!" Roy pointed an accusing finger at the magazine. "So you weren't with a woman, you are lying, and you do know what happened to Moss!"

" … a bus full of gay paraplegics?" Jim whispered in disbelief. "How?"

"It's a long story with a gay musical," said Jen with a wave and a laugh. "But anyway, we know you are lying about the girlfriend, we know you are gay, and we know you know what happened to Moss." Jen put a hand on Jim's shoulder, gripping it more firmly than he thought she could. "Now I have to give a presentation to a man who alternates between hitting on me and trying to get me fired. I love this job. I need this job. And to keep this job I need my team to give a presentation on computers and YOU. WILL. HELP. ME. FIND. THE. ONLY. PERSON. WHO. KNOWS. HOW. THEY. WORK. IN. THIS. BLOODY. DEPARTMENT!"

Jim glared at her for a moment and then looked down. "There may have been a misunderstanding."

"What did you do?" Roy yelled.

"I really don't see how it is any of your business," Jim replied defensively.

"Richmond," Jen yelled, "I think Jim wants to listen to your new Cradle of Filth album with you."

Richmond popped his head out of the closet. "Really?"

Jim shuddered, he really hated Richmond.

Jen smiled. "Yeah, he has been talking for weeks about how he is fascinated by the Goth scene."

Richmond walked over to where they were all huddled. "It is not often we get such interest in our culture." He patted Jim on the head. "We are going to have to talk about your choice of clothing."

"We wanted to get our hands on the prototype of a new laptop. The alarm went off, the police came. Moss didn't run fast enough. Now please get the scary Goth man away from me!"

Roy ran his hand through his hair as his face sank into a look of horror. "You let Moss go to jail!" It came out in a whisper. "Moss can't be in jail. You have to get him out!"

"Why?" asked Jim. If the stupid nerd could not take care of himself, it was not his fault.

Jen grabbed him by the shirt and lifted him to his feet with surprising strength. "You are getting my computer expert out of jail before the presentation today, or so help me god, I will lock you in a room with Douglas after I've drugged him with rohypnol!"

"I just can't believe you would do something so horrid to someone as kind as Moss," Richmond added in his gloomy monotone. "You need to go down to the station and make it right!"

"But-"

"Right now, young man!" yelled Roy pointing at the door.

Roy, Jen, and Richmond were glaring at him. Jim sighed and stood up. "I guess I could talk to the police."

Sherlock choked on his coffee when he saw who walked into the station. Lestrade had demanded him come in to give a statement on a case he helped solve for them, dull and pointless as it would be, and he was sitting in a chair waiting when he saw the strange group walk in; a tall, Goth man, a dirty Irishman in a gamer t-shirt, a red-headed woman who wore shoes that were too small for here, and Jim Moriarty looking sulky.

John who was sitting next to him noticed him choke. "What's wrong?" he asked. Sherlock was unable to speak but pointed in the direction of the crowd. John stiffened. He had not forgotten about the pool and the bomb jacket.

The red-headed woman walked up to the officer at the desk. It was Sally.

"Hello, I was wondering if you picked up a Morris Moss last night. He works in my IT Department and I am a bit worried about him. I think he was arrested due to a little misunderstanding."

Sally eyed the oddly assorted group of people before looking up the name on her computer. "Yes, we did pick up a Mr. Moss early this morning. Are you here to pay his bail?"

"How much is it?"

"Twenty pounds."

Jen blinked. "Is that all?'

Sally looked at the screen. "Yes, he had not stolen the laptop, like the arresting officer had thought, but he did have three packets of chocolate buttons in his pocket that he had not paid for and the shop keeper wanted us to arrest someone. Twenty pounds and we can release him to you right away."

"Oh," Jen looked surprised at how easily they could retrieve Moss. "Jim, could you please give me twenty pounds to bail Moss out?"

"Why should I have to bail the idiot out?" Jim was glaring again.

"Because I don't have any money on me, borrowing money from Roy is awful, Richmond's wallet scares me, and it is your bloody fault Moss is in there in the first place. Now pay up!" Jen turned to smile sweetly at Sally, who rolled her eyes.

Richmond laid a hand on Jim's shoulder. Jim shuddered. "I really think you should pay bail," Richmond said looking Jim in the eye, "it is the least you could do."

"Fine," Jim muttered before handing over the money.

Sally took it. "Just sign this form and then you can go around back and get him." She slid a form and a pen over to Jim, who grudging signed. Roy ran off in the direction that Sally had pointed.

Sherlock looked over to see the holding cell. There was a scary man who looked like he was in a motor cycle gang, and a small man with giant hair, glasses, had tied a tie around his head, and had rolled up one pant leg. He was posing like a wannabe rapper in an amateur video. Sherlock knew that this was the man they had come to release.

"Moss," Roy called running back to the cell. "Moss, are you alright?"

Moss looked at him balefully. "No, Roy, I am not alright. I spent the night in prison. The food was dreadful and I could not get a second blanket because I did not have the cigarettes to trade for it. I am a cold and hardened criminal now, Roy. Prison has changed me. This isn't like the time with those DVD's." Moss rolled up his sleeve to reveal a badly drawn angry face on his bicep. "I got ink, Roy."

Jen walked over and stared at Moss's arm, confused. "Is that drawn on in ballpoint pen?"

"No tattoo needles were available. This is prison, Jen, not a vacation spa." Moss stared at the wall as the officer opened the door. He had a terrible haircut and wore a tie with dinosaurs on it.

"You are free to go, just stop at the desk to sign a few papers," the officer said.

Moss took a deep breath and put his hands on his hips admiring the surroundings. "Ah, the smell of freedom. Jen, could I have a cigarette to celebrate?"

Jen looked worried. "You don't smoke, Moss."

"Prison has changed me, Jen. I am a harder, colder person who needs his addictions to cope with his rage at the injustice he has suffered. I need a cigarette to feel like I am really free."

Jen pulled a cigarette and a lighter out of her purse. "Okay, but Moss, you can't smoke in here. The closest designated smoking area is two miles east of here in an abandoned factory by the river. It's a really long walk."

Moss looked at the cigarette in disappointment. "Damn."

"London is no longer a town for smokers," Sherlock commented from his chair in the corner.

Jim dropped the pen in surprise. Maybe he could hide behind the plant and Sherlock would not notice he was there.

"Oh, hello," said Richmond looking over admiringly. "I love your coat. It must be wonderful to be that pale without make-up, you are very fortunate to have that complexion."

Sherlock nodded in thanks, but said nothing else. He didn't really know how to respond to that.

"Moss, I am so sorry that we did not realize you had been arrested before now," said Roy putting an around Moss, Jim threw a jealous look at him. "I got a new Korean film about zombie robots, want to come over and watch it later?"

Moss gave him a despairing look. "I am not sure I can adjust back to civilian life that easily, Roy. I have had a traumatic experience. All night an officer called Anderson quizzed us about our knowledge of Jurassic Park and football. I can now tell the difference between five different dinosaur roars, but I am not sure the roaring will ever leave me head. I hear them roaring when I try to go to sleep."

Roy patted Moss on the back. "We can replace those roars with the screams of zombie robots."

Jen looked at her watch. "Quick, we have to go; only forty-five minutes until that presentation and we haven't prepared for it because we have been busy rescuing Moss. We need to get back!"

Sally walked in. "You can go now, freak."

Richmond looked offended. "I find that very hurtful."

"Goth's are people, too!" Jen snapped.

"Let's get out of this lace of institutionalized hatred and racism," said Moss charging towards the door. "See you later you doodling poodles!" He ran before anyone could respond. The others quickly followed.

Jim had not moved and was still hiding behind a fake plant when Jen came back in. "The threat of rohypnol and Douglas still stands, get back to work!" Jen shot a glare at Sally before leaving again, with Jim sheepishly at her heels.

Sherlock suppressed a grin. Coming down to the station had been worth it just to get a glimpse of the people Moriaty had to work with.


	2. Insanity

**More Ramblings of a mad person, but first, a little headcannon that I will tack onto this story.**

**The IT Crowd/Sherlock Headcanon**

Jim: When we were running from the police, Moss kissed me.

Roy: Yeah, he does that when he panics. He's done it to me twice. Don't worry about it.

Jim: Wow, it was … definitely up there as far as kisses go… Are Irish men his type?

Roy: … Never speak to me again.

And now the IT CROWD/SHERLOCK CROSSOVER DRABBLE.

Jim leaned over Moss's desk, a sinister glint in his eyes. "I hear you are good at computers."

Moss sat up straight. "Yes, I am the genius of this IT department. If you have any computer problems, I can solve them."

"Have you tried turning it off and on again?" Roy interjected, not looking up from his computer screen.

"I am not having problems with my computer," Jim snapped, then, in a softer tone, "I was just wondering if you could hack into a computer of an old friend of mine, he forgot the password."

"Sure, have him bring it in and I will have it unlocked in no time, but not Tuesday night, I have a movie night with a nice German planned."

"What, the cannibal?" Jen asked in disbelief. "He wanted to eat you, and then he wanted to eat Roy. Why are you still hanging out with him?"

"He's actually a lovely man when you get to know him," Roy replied. "What is it tonight? Kill Bill?"

"Volume 2," said Moss happily holding up the DVD. "We get to find out if she does in fact kill Bill. The suspense is killing me."

"You can't be serious," said Jim, smiling in disbelief. "How do you not know? That movie came out years ago."

Roy and Moss exchanged a significant look. "We've been busy," replied Roy.

Jim rolled his eyes and looked around the pitiful excuse for an office. He had been working hre for a few weeks and the amount of filth and rubbish that was strewn around the place still made his skin crawl. There was even a place where it looked like half the wall had burned down. Then he saw it.

"What is through that door?" he asked.

"Don't open it!" Jen marched across the room and handed Jim a phone. "Answer calls, help people fix their computers, keep the internet running, but don't open that door! I mean it!" She gave Jim a stern look. "I am going out for lunch. Don't do anything stupid while I am gone."

Jen left and soon there was only the sound of Moss and Roy's typing to distract Jim from the lifeless phone in his hand. He wondered what would happen if he got any calls, as he did not actually have a vast amount of experience with computers. He had seen Roy do it enough times to handle most of the calls. The phone rang.

"IT, have you tried turning it on and off again?" he answered.

"Daddy bear," cooed a female voice at the other end of the line. Jim shuddered inwardly.

"Hello, Molly. I am at work you know."

"I know, but it is a bit dead at the morgue, no pun intended, and I wanted to know how you were doing. Do you miss me?"

Jim would have to arrange some murders to keep Molly occupied. Damn public health care keeping people healthy. "All the time, kitten. But I have a lot of calls coming in so I can't talk for long. But I'll still pick you up for dinner around seven. Can you make it that long without me?"

"Of course, Jimmy bear, see you tonight. Love you."

"Love you, too," Jim replied in a sing-song voice and then hung up with a grimace.

"Women," Moss said with a masculine sigh and shook his head.

Roy looked at him in surprise. "What do you know about it? You've never even slept with anyone."

"I have. You are forgetting about the countdown fangirl," Moss replied defensively. "We participated in wild, animalistic thrusting well into the night, I'll have you know."

"Sure you did," Roy replied, patting Moss on the head as he walked past his desk. "Anyway, I am off to get some food, hold down the fort."

Roy left leaving Moss and Jim alone. Jim's eyes strayed to the door behind Roy's desk. Moss saw him. "Now Jim, you mustn't open that door!"

"Why?" asked Jim slyly, putting on his most engaging smile and looking at Moss.

Moss scraped around for an answer. "Because doing so would kill the rain forest."

Jim rolled his eyes. "I really don't care about the rain forest."

Moss stood up and banged his fist on the desk in indignation. "But what about the monkeys, Jim? Where would they live? You are a heartless and cruel man to say such flippant things about one of our planets most valuable resources. At this moment I can barely contain my anger at you, I am going out to let out some steam, and when I get back, for your sake, I hope your feelings towards the rain forest have changed!"

Moss stormed out. Jim sighed, he could not figure Moss out. He had hoped the first computer hacker he met in person would be an intelligent equal with an appetite for power, not some naive nerd who could barely take care of himself. The phone rang again.

"Hello, IT, have you tried turning it on and off again?"

"Is Jen there?" a boastful voice demanded across the phone line.

"No."

"Damn, I need someone to fix these electric sex pants."

Jim hung up the phone quickly, and then unplugged to chord for good measure. This job was getting stranger by the minute. Yes he needed a cover, but he had hoped he would not be surrounded by idiots. Was meeting Sherlock Holmes really all this trouble? Couldn't he just pop by the flat one day and say 'Hi'? No, that would never work. He needed to impress Sherlock and that would take a cunning plan. Jim needed to stay. He looked at the door again, and decided that he may as well find out what was behind it if he was going to work here.

It seemed like a perfectly normal door, and when he pushed it open he did not see anything at first. Then he saw a pale, ghostly face with two bright blue eyes staring at him from the darkness.

"Hullo," said a deep and gloomy voice. A pale and thin man with far too much makeup and a too tight burgundy suit stepped out of the shadows and into the light spilling in from the office. "I don't often get visitors."

A gloom was beginning to settle over Jim. Just looking at the Goth reminded him of his own Goth stage. The unbearable embarrassment he felt when he saw pictures of his seventeen-year-old self bubbled up inside him. He walked over to his bag and rested his hand reassuringly on his gun. If things got too bad he could kill himself, or the Goth.

"My name is Richmond," the Goth said, extending a hand toward Jim. "What is your name, you must be new here."

"Jim," he replied shaking Richmond's hand. It was as if every ounce of happiness was being slowly sucked out of him.

"I told you not to open the door," yelled Moss. He had come back and was standing in the door fuming. "I'm going to tell Jen!"

"You can't," yelled Jim and pulling the gun out his bag. He didn't know if it was the Goth, the fact that working in IT made you lose hope in humanity, or if it was Jen's incessant singing, but Jim was on edge and no one was going to push him around.

"First you insult the rain forest, then you open the door we told you not to open, and not you are pointing a gun at me. You are a terrible employee; I am going to register a complaint!" Moss thrust his hand into the air and made to turn around and out the door.

"No!" Jim pulled the trigger and there was a loud bang. Richmond jumped and recoiled in horror, Moss froze, as if waiting for something to happen. After a moment, when it appeared that nothing would, he ran his hand over his chest to make sure everything was still there.

"You were going to shoot me and then it didn't work!" Moss cackled. "The look on your face."

Jim looked at the gun. The barrel was peeled out like a banana and the words "made in Britain" were clearly visible on the side. "Typical," he muttered.


	3. Stalking and Movies

Two one shots put together. I write these in class.

Stalking

Sherlock stopped. He had the strangest feeling he was being followed. He had sworn he heard footsteps. When Sherlock looked behind him there was no one. There were a few shadows where someone could easily hide, but his sharp eyes saw no sign of another person.

Sherlock continued his walk home. Maybe he was going crazy. He had felt eyes on the back of his neck every night for the past week now. It was must unsettling, possibly the early stages of a mental disease. He hoped it was not a brain tumor. Sherlock heard the footsteps again and turned around as fast as he could. There was a slight woosh, but again the street was empty.

Sherlock walked the rest of the way home undisturbed.

Richmond clung to the bottom of the fire escape breathing as quietly as he could. Sherlock had almost caught him that time, it was only his powers that he had gained the night he had been bitten by a radioactive gecko that had save him.

But he would not give up. He had to find out Sherlock's secret. He would find out how the detective got that pale alabaster skin and those sharp cheekbones. Once he had uncovered the secret to Sherlock's look he could become king of the goths. He would never give up.

And if he could not find out the secret of Sherlock's looks, he would steal his coat.

Movies

"Oh, Jimmy Bear," cooed Molly putting her arm through his as they left the movies, "that was so romantic. When he ran to her on the beach to tell her he loved her, I nearly died."

Jim kissed her on the head. "I knew you'd like it." She leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. Jim looked around at the other people leaving the theatre. They were mostly couples walking arm in arm like him and Molly. He sighed, these outings were necessary of he were to maintain his cover as Molly's significant, his main excuse for sneaking down to the morgue. Suddenly a harsh Irish voice rang out causing him to cringe.

"I can't believe you talked me into seeing that piece of crap!"

Jim turned to see Moss, Jen, and Roy walking out of the theatre. Moss had a soda clutched to his chest, Roy was using his finger to get the last of the butter out of the popcorn bag, and Jen was rummaging around in her purse.

"I thought it was a touching story about two individuals who learned just how much they had in common," said Moss before taking a long sip of soda. "Really, Roy, I don't see why you have to complain about every movie we see with Jen."

"They are all so terrible, I don't see why we do it," replied Roy before licking butter off his fingers.

Moss looked at him seriously. "We can't have Aunt Irma taking over again. Never again, Roy. And Jen pays for the drinks and popcorn." Moss turned to Jen who was still struggling to find whatever she was looking for in her purse. "Thank you, Jen, for another wonderful evening."

"You're welcome, Moss," Jen looked back into her bag, "now where are my keys?"

Jim tried to steer Molly away from his coworkers but to no avail. Moss had spotted him. "Oh, look, there's Jim," Moss said rather loudly. "Hello, Jim." He waved.

"Jim, who are they?" asked Molly curiously. She had never met any of Jim's friend before, and had annoyingly been asking about them.

Jim sighed. He did not introduce Molly to his coworkers for good reason. "They are my co-workers from IT," he said. They were walking over to him now. "This is Jen, my boss, and Roy and Moss, they are worker bees like me."

Molly was ecstatic. "Lovely to meet you. I have never met any of Jim's co-workers before. I'm Molly."

"Nice to meet you, Molly," said Roy taking her hand and kissing it. "Jim never mentioned he had such an attractive cousin."

Jim wanted to hit Roy. Molly's smile fell. "Cousin? I'm his girlfriend." Jen snorted. Molly looked at Jim, hurt. "You never told them about me?"

"I don't like to mix work and my personal life," replied Jim.

Jen snorted again. "But, seriously, you're not really dating, are you? You just said that to make Roy look like an idiot."

Jim froze. "Why wouldn't we be dating?" asked Molly.

"Because he's gay," replied Jen.

"He's not gay! He's not! Right Jim?"

Jen looked horrified. "Oh, shit."

"We caught him reading Heat, of course he is gay," replied Roy.

"Don't feel too bad," said Jen, trying to stop the look of horror from spreading any further across Molly's face. "I once had a boyfriend who read Heat, he turned out to be gay. He came out to me that dreadful night at the big, gay musical, with Roy, and his gay paraplegics."

"I am still hurt you just let them take me like that," Roy said, looking down into his popcorn.

"I wasn't in my right mind; I had just been told I looked like a man."

Molly's mouth was hanging open. Jim wondered for the billionth time what planet his coworkers came from, and how the hell they were able to figure out what he had hid from almost everyone else in his life. Damn Heat.

"But he isn't gay," said Molly. "I would know! I am dating him."

"But you strike me as the desperate type," said Roy. "And there was that one time that Moss kissed him and the next day Jim asked me if Irishmen were Moss's type."

"What?" gasped Jen and Molly at the same time.

"The police were coming and I panicked," Moss said stony faced. He moved to hide behind Roy.

"It's what he does," added Roy, "he has done it to me on two separate occasions."

"You kissed Roy and Jim," asked Jen in disbelief.

"There were police, I panicked. I didn't know what else to do. And it was a good plan. It worked, I tell you, it worked. The police never suspect two men making out against a wall in an alley; they only shout insults at them. And Roy had gotten in too deep. There was no other way!" Moss was clutching his soda to him like a safety blanket.

"We could have hidden behind the bins," muttered Roy.

"Too obvious," cried Moss.

"So why is Roy not gay?" asked Molly, defensively. "He has been kissing this weird man, too."

Jen snorted. "Roy spends so much of his time striking out with women, that it is obvious he is straight. No gay man would try that hard, only to fail so pathetically with women."

"I don't read Heat and I did not go on and on about Moss's surprising kissing skills for a week. I had to turn up the radio to full volume to drown him out." Roy was glaring at Jim. "There are some things I do not want to hear about my best friend.

"Oh," said Jen. "I thought Richmond was having loud sex again."

Jim shuddered at the thought. "Jim, look at me," Molly snapped. She was glaring at him. "First Sherlock says you are gay because of your underwear and now your co-workers do because you read Heat. Jim, tell me, are you gay?"

Jim sighed. There was no getting around this and he was tired of Molly anyway. "Yes," he replied.

Molly looked hurt. "Then why did you date me?"

Jim shrugged; it would feel good to get some of the truth off his chest. "Because I wanted to get into the morgue and meet Sherlock Holmes. Have you seen his site? He is amazing."

Molly looked like she was about to vomit. Before Jim could react she slapped him as hard as she could and ran away crying. Jim stood there, his cheek stinging. He would be better off without Molly, anyway.

Roy looked after her, his mouth agape. "You are an arsehole, and that is coming from me," he whispered in awe.

Jim straightened his shirt and looked Moss up and down. "So, Moss, what are you doing this weekend?"

Moss froze in horror and then threw his drink at Jim as hard as he could, ruining Jim's new T-shirt. Moss then turned to grab Roy's face.

"Quick Roy!"

"I don't think it will work this time, Moss."


	4. Slow Day

A short, I hope you enjoy!

**Sherlock/IT Crowd - Slow Day**

It had been a slow day in the IT Department. Roy and Jim were playing Guitar Hero and Moss was reading up on some new anti-virus software.

"Keep up, keep up, we need to be perfect to get the new high score!," said Roy, his fingers flting up and down the fake guitar.

"I'm trying," said Jim sweating and fumbling with the buttons.

"Where is Jen when you need her?" Roy fumed.

"I have a life," Jim yelled back, "I can't spend all my time playing useless video games!"

"What do you do?" asked Roy as he completed a particularly difficult series of button mashes. "You are a single man, in his thirties, who works in IT. You are not allowed to have a life at this point."

"I have a date," Jim countered struggling to keep up with the song. "Some of us are not so repulsive that no one wants to have relations with us."

"That was low," gasped Roy with a tone of hurt in his voice. "Wow, we were close." He put down the controller and sat on the couch. "I'll need Jen to unlock the next song." Jim sat down next to Roy. "So you have a date? Who with?"

Jim sighed. "It isn't a date date, but I am going to meet up with him. I just need him to see that I am much more fun than that jumper wearing idiot he always hangs out with."

"It is comforting to know that gay, straight, man, or woman, the good ones are always taken," Roy mused. He patted Jim on the shoulder. "Don't worry, if it doesn't work out, then Moss can cheer you up with a nice game of Dungeons and Dragons."

Jim looked up confused. "What? Is that code for something?"

"I helped Roy work through a pretty nasty breakup through a good game of D & D with some business men. It was quite an experience." Moss patted a cup of dice on his desk. "We are here for you, Jim."

"Right …" Jim said, obviously still confused. He got up and walked back to his desk.

"Listen," said Moss getting up and moving toward Jim.

"Hello everyone," said Jen walking through the door and straight into Moss. A panicked look crossed Moss's face as his chest came into contact with Jen's and he fell to the floor in a dead faint.

Jen looked down in concern. "Oh bollocks, he must have brushed against my tits. Roy, can you get him on the couch please?"

Roy dragged Moss across the floor and managed to heave him onto the couch.

"How does he date women if he passes out when he touches them?" asked Jim, curiously gazing at the unconscious Moss.

"He doesn't," replied Jen and Roy in unison.


	5. Pool

Another one-shot. Slightly Jim/Sherlock.

"Moss, I don't think this is a good short cut," said Roy, worried.

They were walking along a dark alley. Roy pulled his coat collar up higher against the wind.

"We don't want to be late; the new video game comes out in less than an hour. We just have to go through the pool and we don't have to go around the block. I use it all the time," Moss assured Roy.

"If you say so," replied Roy, unconvinced.

They crossed the alley and walked through a set of double doors. "You would think a pool would be locked up this kind of night," said Roy, quietly.

"Logically, it should be locked up, but for some reason it never is. People say that the ghost of a boy who drowned here unlocks them every night," explained Moss. "A ghost called Carl Powers."

They walked into the unlit lobby. The silence was broken by the occasional creek and the sound of water. Street light streamed in through one of the windows, creating shadows and monstrous shapes. Roy moved a little closer to Moss. "I don't like this," he moaned.

They crept toward the next set of doors. There was a creak. Roy grabbed Moss's arm. "Oh god, I think I hear Carl," he whispered.

Moss continued forward taking Roy with him, and went through the next door into the pool

It was not deserted. Three men looked over in surprise as Moss and Roy entered. Roy clutched Moss's arm harder. Moss lit up and waved. "Hello, Jim," he called. "Are you going to the midnight release of Barrel Busters, too?"

There was complete silence for a moment.

A blonde man in a parka was the first of the three to recover from the shock. "What?" he asked, confused.

"The release of Barrel Busters," Moss explained, "the very latest in object destroying games with a physics engine that will blow your mind. What other reason would you have for being out of bed at a quarter past eleven instead of at home with a warm glass of milk?"

Jim and his two companions stared at Moss as if he were mad.

Roy yanked on Moss's arm. "He has a gun," Roy moaned, "He has a gun!" Roy looked more closely. "And is that a bomb?"

"Oh dear," said Moss.

Jim and his taller companion seemed conflicted between staring at Moss and Roy and not wanting to take their eyes off of each other. Their eyes were flicking back forth faster than spectators at a tennis match. They were both tense.

The man in the parka shook his head as if trying to clear it. "Wait," he said shaking his head as if trying to clear it. "You know him?" He pointed at Jim.

"Of course," replied Moss. The man looked shocked. "He works with us at IT."

Roy slowly moved his mouth as if he was trying to get words out, but was having great difficulty. "You said you had a date tonight," he burst out finally. "What are you doing in a pool with a gun and a bomb?" Roy pointed at the blonde man. "Is that the jumper wearing idiot?"

The taller man gave Jim a sharp look. Jim forced his face into a relaxed smile. "This is Sherlock." Jim pointed at the taller man. "This is his loyal pet, John." Jim pointed at the blonde man. "And these are my co-workers." He motioned to Moss and Roy. "The computer genius Moss, and his clingingly life partner Roy."

Sherlock looked aloof, John looked like he was having trouble believing what was going on, and Roy managed a weak smile. "Nice to meet you all," said Moss cheerily. Roy gave him a concerned look.

Sherlock turned his attention back to Jim. "You planned a date?" he asked coldly.

Jim dazzled him with an engaging and sinister grin. "Well, I had been planning to kidnap John and make you come after him before you asked to meet me at this pool." Jim batted his eyelashes a little. Sherlock colored slightly.

"That is a terrible way to ask someone out," interrupted Roy. "I routinely fail with women, but even I know kidnapping and ransom is not the way to someone's heart. What is wrong with you?"

"He also strapped bombs to four other people, one of whom was blown up!" John glared at Jim. Jim shrugged.

"Why couldn't you ask him out to dinner?" exclaimed Roy exasperated.

Jim looked at Roy as if he was examining a slug under a magnifying glass. Moss distractedly tried to rub something off Roy's chest. Roy tried to push his hands away but Moss was persistent.

"What are you doing, Moss," he snapped.

"There is a red spot on your chest and I am trying to get it off," Moss replied.

Roy looked down. "That is a laser pointer, not a stain!"

Moss stopped trying to rub it off. "Who is holding the laser?"

Roy let out a despairing moan. "Oh God, we are going to die. Who brings snipers on a date?"

Moss looked down, worry creasing his brow. "Right."

There was a pause where Jim and Roy looked at Moss. Jim was smiling, curious to see what Moss would do next. Roy was trembling. The only sound was the slight lapping of the water of the pool against the sides. Red dots appeared on Sherlock and John's chests.

"Quick, Roy, run!" Moss yelled and sprinted through the double doors. A moment later, when Roy did not follow, he stuck his head back in the room. "Roy?"

"I can't move Moss, I'm too scared." Roy closed his eyes as if wishing he could teleport himself somewhere else. "It is like that time with the balloon, but worse."

Moss thought for a moment. "Don't worry, Roy, I am going to come up with a cunning plan!" The door closed and Moss was gone.

Jim shook his head smiling. "I never get tired of Moss. I would love to find out what goes on in that little head of his?"

"You stay away from Moss," Roy yelled. "You have been a bad influence on him! He went to jail because of you!"

Jim chuckled darkly. "There must be something he likes about me, he did kiss me."

Roy looked like he had been slapped. "He's kissed me, too. You know that is just something he does when he panics."

"Or he has a thing for Irish men."

Roy went red.

John slowly stood up. "If we are interrupting something, we could leave," he slowly moved toward the door and four more snipers lasers appeared on his chest. He froze.

"Leaving so soon?" Jim asked. A wicked grin slapped across his features. John visibly swallowed.

"You know," mumbled Roy resentfully, "you are not doing anything to help disprove the stereotype that all Irish people are nutters."

Sherlock looked sharply at him. He had been trying to figure out what Jim's real accent was all night. Jim's vocal gymnastics had made it difficult, but another native speaker might be able to tell.

"What part of Ireland," Sherlock asked. Jim looked annoyed.

"I'm no expert," Roy began, "but it sounds like Jim is originally from –"

The doors burst open as Moss came pelting through them, a metal object in his hand. "I've got a mother flippin' gun!" Moss yelled dashing to Roy and grabbing his arm. "Run, Roy, run!"

Before Roy knew what was happening his feet were moving and he was being dragged towards the door by Moss. The red dots were still on him but no shots were fired. They were through the doors and John was running with them. They pounded down the alley and soon they were on the brightly lit street again.

Jen was waiting for them outside the shop.

"Where have you two been? It's nearly time," she asked curiously and then spotted John. "And who is your new friend?"

"You are never going to believe the night we had, Jen," gasped Roy clutching his chest and trying to catch his breath. "And for God's sake, Moss, put the gun away!"

Back at the pool there was silence. Sherlock lowered the gun and looked around as Jim kicked the floor. The laser dots on Sherlock's chest went out. Their breathing was becoming uncomfortably loud.

"Sooooo," Jim began putting his hands in his pockets and looking at Sherlock. "Dinner?"

Sherlock looked surprised for a moment before clicking on the safety of his gun and slipping it back into his pocket. A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth. "Why not? No one else has gone to this much trouble just to get my attention."

Jim smiled. "You are going to take the gun with you, I see." He nodded his head towards the door.

"Of course," replied Sherlock. "Just because I agreed to dinner doesn't mean that I trust you. Italian? I know a place where we can eat for free."

"Sounds delicious," said Jim slipping his arm into Sherlock's.


	6. Date Part 1

Jim from IT – "Date" Part 1

A/N: Another installment. And if anyone is interested in being a Beta reader for me let me know. I do not post a lot, but I do need help improving my grammar.

"I've never had oysters before," said Moss looking at the center piece. "Fried prawns are the fanciest me and Roy have ever gotten with seafood."

Jim placed a steaming plate in front Moss, and he gazed down at the assortment of food, most of which he had never seen before. Jim brought his own plate in and sat across the corner from Moss. Jim smiled engagingly before spreading his napkin across his lap. "Dig in."

Moss looked down at the oysters in confusion. "How?"

Jim blinked but kept his smile. "You just slurp them out of the shell."

"Interesting." Moss studied the food before experimentally picking an oyster up and sniffing it. He poked it hesitantly with his finger. "And this is food?"

Jim nodded, his eyes not leaving Moss' face.

"Alright," said Moss before gulping down the oyster with disgusting enthusiasm and smacked him lips thoughtfully. Jim's eye twitched. "Not bad," mussed Moss, "that was an enlightening experience, I feel classier."

"Hopefully the first of many new experiences this evening." Jim raised his glass to Moss before taking a sip of the blood red wine he had poured himself.

"Well I am always up to try new and exciting things. I used to hate roller coasters, and then Roy made me go on one and now I love them." Moss looked down at his plate. "And I have never tried this rice dish before."

Jim smiled engagingly, "I am sure if you just try it, you won't be able to get enough." Moss did not notice Jim surreptitiously undo the top button of his shirt.

By the end of the meal the table was littered with bits of food and Moss reclined back in his chair, a satisfied expression across his face as he loosened his belt one notch. "Well I never thought I would find a better cook than the German cannibal who wanted to eat me for dinner, but you have easily topped him in the culinary department."

Jim blinked. "A German cannibal tried to eat you for dinner?"

"Me and Roy were trying to meet other people," replied Moss fiddling with an oyster shell, "and there was a bit of a misunderstanding."

Jim refilled Moss' glass of milk and gazed into his eyes. "I would like to hear more of your exploits, you lead a singular life." When he put his hand back down his fingers were lightly touching Moss' wrist.

"And then we realized that he was trying to use C++." Moss laughed heartily. "Well he certainly felt foolish when we pointed out to him that the program was actually written in J++." Moss paused and he seemed to lose the train of his story. "Jim, why is your hand on my leg?"

Jim squeezed Moss' leg teasingly. "Is there something wrong with it being there?" Jim asked with sly smile.

"I just didn't know it was customary for a host to feel his guest's thigh at dinner," replied Moss unsure. "You are not gauging my muscle to fat ratio because you are planning to eat me, are you?"

Jim was taken aback. "Not everyone wants to eat you, Moss." He chuckled. "Well, not in the way you are thinking."

Moss viewed him with suspicion. Jim sighed and put his hand back on the table. "Want to watch a movie?"

Moss and Jim were sitting on the couch as Bruce Willis and a woman with orange hair ran across a futuristic city. The apartment had gotten cold, so Jim and Moss were huddled under a blanket on the couch. This was not a problem for Moss, but then Jim's hand brushed his hand. Moss looked over at Jim. Jim was looking at the screen. It had probably been an accident. A moment later, Jim scooted closer to Moss. Moss moved away to give Jim more space. Jim moved again. Moss retreated a little further. Jim took another inch of the couch. Moss pressed himself against the arm. Jim moved in closer. Moss was out of space. Their thighs were touching. Moss sat rigidly still. Jim raised his arm in a yawn and draped it over Moss' shoulders. Moss was not sure what Jim was trying to do, but he did not like Jim being this close. Jim rested his head on Moss' shoulder and his other hand moved to Moss' leg. Then it began a slow creep up his thigh.

"What are you doing to my ear?" Moss asked afraid to move.

"You don't like it?" said Jim leaning back, a little confused.

"No, my ear is cold and wet because you tongue was in it, and your hand is feeling up my thigh again. And you still claim you are not trying to eat me!" He glared defiantly at a frankly astonished Jim.

Jim quickly regained his composure and raised an eyebrow at Moss. "Are you really that oblivious?" he asked moving his hand to the top of Moss' thigh in a stroking motion.

"Oh," Moss said quietly. His face was blank for a moment, and then he jumped up, throwing Jim's balance off a little. "I need to use your toilet."

Jim wordlessly pointed Moss in the right direction and Moss almost fled down the hallway, trying his best not to run, darted into the bathroom, locked the door, and pulled out his phone. He needed Roy.

"Hello?" said Roy distractedly. Moss could hear explosions and gunfire in the background.

"Roy, it's Moss. I need your help," Moss whispered, petrified Jim would hear him.

"What's wrong? Why don't you talk properly?"

"I'm hiding in Jim's bathroom!" Moss scanned the small room hoping it did not contain a camera. "He invited me over for a sleep over, but I have been lead to believe he is actually trying to seduce me."

Roy sighed. "Moss, usually when adults invite each other for a sleepover it is because they want to have sex."

Moss took a moment to process this information. "Does that mean that you want to have sex with me, Roy?" Moss asked shakily.

"No, no, no, no, Moss. We're different, you are my best friend." He paused and Moss heard the gun noises stop in the background. "I usually hide my laundry when I invite someone over who I want to shag. We hang out all the time, we have moved on to the friendly sleepover stage. Jim, Jim you haven't known long enough to be good friends with. He is trying to start a relationship with you. Did you hang out before this?"

"We went out to dinner a few times," Moss replied, "and to the movies."

"Those were dates," Roy took a steadying breath. "You have been dating Jim without even knowing it."

"But I do all those things with you!"

"Moss, it's different! You see-, I'll explain later, where are you? I'll pick you up and explain to Jim you are still a child in many ways." There was rustling as Roy tried to find a paper and pen on the other end of the line.

"2424 Bridge Road, apartment 12, tell the door man Green wants to see you." Moss flushed the toilet. "Hurry!"

Moss ended and the call and washed his hands to give himself a little time to mentally prepare before stepping back into the hallway.

Jim was waiting on the couch, his shirt a little more open than before. Moss stiffly sat in a chair on the opposite side of the room. "Shall we finish the movie?" he asked trying to keep his voice casual.

"Sure" relied Jim, looking a little unsure but smiling all the same.

Moss stared at the screen with determination, although he was no longer paying any attention to what was going on in the film, and was instead listening for any sound that might tell him Roy was nearly there. He heard Jim let out a sigh, but did not turn to look at him.

A moment later he heard a knock at the door. Jim left the room to answer it.

"For the love of god, man, button your shirt!" Roy thundered.

Jim stalked in looking angry. None of the buttons on his shirt were done up and he was looking murderous as he turned back around to face Roy. "What are you doing here," he asked icily.

"I'm here for Moss," he shouted striding over to where Moss sat. "You didn't tell me Jim was half-naked."

"I've seen you in your pants so many times; I just assumed it is what most men wear they are at home." Moss looked at Roy quizzically. "Is that another thing that is only okay when it is you?"

Jim closed the door with a snap. "Why has Moss seen you in your pants?"

"I man should not have to be contained by trousers in his own home," Roy retorted with as much dignity as he could muster.

"He wouldn't get dressed at all if he didn't have to go to work," Moss added.

Jim's eyes did not leave Roy. "Why are you here?"

Roy took a breath to steady himself as he looked back into the gaze that made him feel like Jim was picturing all the ways he could kill him. "Because we are far overdue for a talk. You can't date Moss!"

Jim blinked. "What?"

"You can't date Moss, he is off limits," Roy repeated.

Jim crossed his arms and fixed Roy with his most dangerous stare. Roy repressed a shudder. "Who are you to say who can and can't sate Moss?"

"I-." Roy began before faltering.

Jim was advancing on him. "Why do you care if Moss is sleeping over at my place?"

"I-."

"What is it to you if Moss likes me?"

"Because – ."

"Why is it any of your business what Moss does in his spare time?"

"Because I love him!" Roy blurted out.

Moss froze, a look of astonishment and panic in his eyes, but it was too late. It could not be taken back. A moment later Roy realized what he had just said and his eye's bulged.

"What?" Jim gulped, flabbergasted.

Roy swallowed. "Yes, Moss and I are in love. We hit a bit of a rough patch recently, but I can't give him up without a fight." Roy walked over to Moss and placed his shaking hand on Moss' shoulder. "I am not ready to let him be swept away by someone else!"

Moss reached up and grabbed Roy's hand in a clumsy gesture. "I am sorry, Jim, my feelings for Roy are too strong. I don't think I can continue to do this." Moss got up and walked into the bedroom arm and arm with Roy. Together they got the bags and returned to the living room not clutching each other for support.

"We will see you at work, Jim," said Roy and turned to leave.

"I'll walk you out," replied Jim in a strained voice.

The elevator ride down forty five floors was the most uncomfortable anyone in it had ever experienced. Moss was shaking and Roy was doing his best not to start screaming. Instead he was smiling like an idiot and laughing too loudly at the smallest joke. Jim studied him intently. Moss clutched his pillow even closer to his chest.

"I don't see why you are so upset," said Roy, trying and failing to break the tension. "I thought you were dating that tall bloke in the black coat."

Jim looked away and took a moment before responding. When he turned back to face them he had an evil grin spread across his face. "Sorry about all the unpleasantness," he said in a tone that completely failed to be reassuring, "we should put all this behind us. How about you and Moss come on a date with me and Sherlock? You can pick the place."

"Okay," replied Moss. The elevator door opened and he darted out, closely followed by Roy. They ran into the street without even turning to say goodbye to Jim. When they were a few blocks away, and at the limit of Roy's athletic ability, they stopped. Moss spoke first, Roy panting and wheezing beside him trying to catch his breath. "The lie was too big, Roy, how are we going to convince Jim we are a couple at work and worse, on a date?"

"Why did you agree to the date?" asked Roy still doubled over and leaning against the wall.

"I didn't know what else to do. Why did you tell him we were in love?"

"I panicked," Roy moaned. "Oh Moss, what are we going to do?"

Moss was looking at a sign, a smiling slowly spreading across his face. "What if we take them to a place they will hate so much they never want to go out with us again?"

"I am not sure we will survive that, Moss."

Moss smiled. "You forget, Roy, we are not mature adults."


End file.
